Sunday, February 22, 2015

Bits & Pieces


I’ve been feeling this post working in my brain for days now.

Bits and pieces here and there, but nothing quite forming.

Even now, I’m not sure where it’s going… I just have the time to sit and write now.

The feeling has gotten stronger and stronger, until it’s become more of a desperation to get it out.

This one feels a bit more raw.

A bit more open and vulnerable.

I’ve noticed something that I’ve been doing the last few days. I’ve been looking around too much. Looking to others and comparing myself to them. I know that this is a big pitfall. How it’s a great way to slowly make yourself miserable. I have been told this and learned it on my own many, many times.

It’s been another few days of things feeling hard. There have been glimpses of peace, but also moments weighed down in anxiety and stress and fear.

Most of the time, I am confident in where my life is headed now. I feel a certainty in trusting God with my life, in both the things known and those not.

But I’m feeling a bit of the peace slipping. A stronghold of insecurity instead taking its place.

I set a deadline for a piece of wedding planning to get the ball rolling. We’ve not done much more than pick a date, get a pastor, and book the church.

By the end of the weekend, I wanted to have our invitations fully designed as well as have the website mostly planned out.

We sat down Saturday morning and worked on bit and pieces of the design and wording. I know what I want in the sense of random details. However it’s hard for me to put those pieces together to form a whole. I can tell you if I do or don’t like the final project, but it’s hard for me to get the final picture developed on my own from the small parts.

We got some things penciled out on paper. It took a long time, and honestly a lot of Greg bringing me back after I got distracted with other things.

Later in the day we started on the website. I had a new website builder that I wanted to try to mess with. I’m not sure when exactly it happened, but after several things not going the way that I wanted, I just shut down. I had nothing left. I gave up.

Greg ended up taking over my laptop and he got quite a bit done. More bits and pieces. I sat next to him, with my head on his shoulder and watched as he worked. Again I felt this feeling of losing myself. Of feeling like I was slipping. Of slowly sliding downhill until I was again stuck at the bottom. In a hole. Trapped. Barely able to breathe.

Later in the car, I held on tightly to his hand. Feelings of defeat and exhaustion were close by.

Why is it that I always seem to sink here?

How am I ever going to plan a wedding like this?

Then the bigger questions started to creep in. How will I ever be a good wife if I’m crazy?

Am I doing the right thing? Am I ready to be a wife? Am I ready to get married? Am I just messing everything up?

I tried to shut them down. I tried to move on before they could take root.

They still stung. They still hit hard and left me feeling rough.

The night didn’t end on a good note. This morning continued in the trend.

Today didn’t turn out the best. Conflicts arose that weren’t expected.

Stress and anxiety hit hard. It was a struggle to just keep fighting through it all.

But there were moments that made me feel okay. Greg’s hand resting on mine. Sitting close to him. His smile. His whispers that things were going to be okay.

We took pictures outside in the snow. I laughed as I slipped around on ice. The cold made me feel hyper and full of life.

Later I pulled out my laptop and wrote part of this post.

The church filled up with people again. Anxiety crept back up. We talked to several married couples. Again insecurities filled me. The thoughts returned. Could I do this? Could I really be a wife? Could I live this life that was ahead of me? I worried about how I looked. I worried about how others perceived me. I worried that they would take my distance and unease from anxiety as me being snobby and not caring and rude. I worried that I wasn’t as good as all of these other girlfriends and wives.

I didn’t feel as bad as before, but I recognized the path I was heading down.

Thankfully the music started that meant service would be starting soon. We found a seat.

We stood for worship, and I felt extra grace. I felt a peace that I hadn’t felt in awhile. I felt extra protection and freedom just cover me. As the music started, everything just fell away.

In the moment, it was about me standing before God. The room and the people and my thoughts just slipped away. Nothing really mattered.

I lifted my hands in worship, because I had no other response. I felt the words that my mouth was singing.

And that was more than enough.

But that wasn’t all. Feelings of reassurance came. Encouragement came so clearly that it could have even been audible. My persevering through all the hard things wasn’t missed. The promises that I had been given were still valid. I was doing a good job. My Father was pleased. And not just in the things I was doing. But just simply in who I was. That I was enough. He loved me for who I was. Love covers it all.

I felt a smile on my face. I couldn’t have stopped it from happening if I tried.

Everything was going to be okay. I was right on track. I was doing all that I was supposed to.

I felt things in my spirit that I can’t fully describe or even comprehend.

I could even feel God healing pieces of my heart. I felt him preparing me more for marriage. It’s hard to describe, but I could feel it. When worship was over I looked over at Greg and everything just felt different. Redeemed.

It was more than I could have hoped for. It was more than enough to keep me going.

These are the moments that I’ve learned to fight for. Even when things are the darkest. When they feel the most hopeless. Faith is bigger than a moment. Love is so much stronger. And grace is sufficient.

I’m so glad that I’m not big enough to destroy the plans that God has.

I’m thankful for the bits and pieces that come together.

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