The End of a Year...
I have a thing for moments. I frequently say I love the little moments. Those moments that can be missed when you move too quick, and don't have the right eyes to see. Those moments that are so beautiful and sentimental and packed full of so much in such a tiny package.
New Years Eve has a thing for being something extravagant. I've always had plans. I do something big. Some years I've had a house packed with people and children. Some years it's been just me and my family. Sometimes the noise is so loud, and it's so crazy. Other times it's been quieter, but still enjoyed.
Last night I spent it alone. At my desk. Music playing the background. A stack of books I'd just received in the mail. A bottle of teal ink and a calligraphy pen with dried ink still on the nib, from a Christmas present I never finished. A box of chocolate covered blueberries that were the most beautiful color. A cup of coffee left over from days ago, I'm ashamed to say. My journal open to an entry from April 5, that I never finished reading to reflect on the year.
My mind was light and full of the moments from the day. Helping my boyfriend lay tile on his kitchen floor. Soaking in moments of spending time with him and us working together. Feeling yet another landmark reached in our relationship. A new closeness and depth that comes with living a new aspect of life together.
I went to bed at 10:30pm. I didn't stay up to "ring in the new year". The first year I hadn't stayed up. I woke up this morning around 6:00am but went back to sleep until after 7:30am. The new year was here. It came without me greeting it in its first moments.
Last night I felt the loneliness and regret try to creep up at the edges. The old feelings of self pity and isolation. But when I took a moment to look around I was filled with a strange peace and contentment. This was real life. I was living. I was surrounded by pieces of 2014 and bits of 2015 to come. Traces of past things not finished. Pieces of hope of things yet to be accomplished and done.
Maybe this was life. Maybe it's not always something extravagant. Sometimes it is. But maybe sometimes it's not, and that's completely okay. The real life to be lived. Finding moments in the ordinary. Allowing myself to break out of the "should-be's" and instead being where I am. I didn't need to finish 2014 like the years past. 2014 was different. This was just simply the life I am living.
Today it's January 1, 2015.