A Tree
Wednesday I received bad news. But let me back up. Pretty
soon after I moved back into my house after the remodel, I realized that I had
some sewer problems. Water wasn’t draining properly in my kitchen and if I
tried to wash clothes or run my dishwasher then everything would back up and my
kitchen would flood. Thus my Facebook status on August 3:
Homeowner Adventure
of the Day: dealing with a flooded kitchen. But since my imagination skills are
pro from being around kids all the time, I just used it as an opportunity to
pretend I was in a sinking ship. And using my resourcefulness, I used the water
I was bailing out of my sink and washing machine to water my plants. I would
call that a win! J
So for the last 2 months I’ve been doing laundry elsewhere
and keeping a bucket under my kitchen sink to catch the water that backs up
when I hand wash my dishes. I especially don’t do well with house problems
because it touches on hard stuff from my childhood. But I’ve been making do
until I could figure out how to fix this problem.
A plumber friend of mine basically let me know that we’d
need to dig up and replace the whole sewer line through my entire front yard
out to the street. Depending on the depth and location of the line, that would
determine the difficulty and therefore the price. But we were probably looking
at the $1,000+ mark. Ouch. I remember when talking in $100’s was a big deal.
Well $100’s are still a big deal, but when did $1,000’s even become a thing?!
Ugh.
Well on Wednesday, I got the news that was even worse. I have
a tree in my front yard that was too close to the sewer line. It would have to
be removed. Oh and my line is about 10 feet underground… That makes this
process a whole lot more complex. And a whole lot more expensive.
This morning I’ve been thinking about all of this. And you
know the part that bothers me the most? It’s that I have to remove the tree. I’m
not some over the top environmentalist, but I really do love trees. And this is
my tree. The first tree that I’ve ever owned! I remember when I bought my house
that I walked through my yard and noticed that I have one tree in my front
yard, and three in the back. And I remember the emotion that swelled inside me
as I realized that those were my trees.
I remember showing my house to a friend shortly after I
bought it, before she moved to another state. I could see the joy in her eyes
as she took in every detail and was so happy for me. And when we walked to the
front yard, she threw her keys to the ground and ran to this tree. She looked
at me with big, childlike eyes, “Emily! This is your tree!” She understands me
so well.
I long to live in the country again, but this tree reminds
me of the country even while I live in town. I think of the shade it provides
my little house. How I’ve sat on my porch and looked up into its limbs and to
the sky above. I think about mowing my yard and noticing the vines that are
starting to grow up its bark. I think about the bazillion times my dog, Mandy
has chased a squirrel up it.
I understand that I might sound crazy person, but I really
am a sentimental person. I’m realizing that the small things, feel like big
things to me. I cling to small details and find great joy in them. I understand
that it’s a tree that I’m talking about. But I can’t get another tree like this
in my lifetime. Trees take forever to grow. This tree is older than I am. It’s
taken so much time and work to get it to the size it is now. I get that I am an
adult and I need to take care of business. That my sewer needs to be fixed and
a tree needs to be cut down. That I should get over it and move on. And the
fact I’m even thinking about all of this could be considered ridiculous.
But if I’m honest with myself, I know that my house won’t
feel the same.
I think back to the weeks at the end of my remodel. How I
felt disoriented and out of place when I walked into my house. How I even felt
violated and unsafe when I saw what the construction workers had left behind.
Yes there was new paint on most of the walls. There was new carpet and
flooring. New cabinets and countertops. But there was also a mess. My
possessions and furniture were not respected and some were broken and ripped.
In my head I knew I should be thankful. My house was WAY
better than before. So much money was put towards major updates, and all of it
was free to me through the rehabilitation grant money. New windows, new
insulation, and new furnace and central air. My upstairs has new drywall and
was converted into extra living space. But I partially missed the way it was
before. I missed my old, huge kitchen cabinets. I missed the old, familiar
smells. I missed the feeling at home in my space that I made so many memories.
I couldn’t appreciate it at first. I felt trapped and
regretted it. So much was still left undone. It was still livable, but there
were lots of details to finish. And I’m a 25 year old woman, with zero
experience in construction. I felt out of control and full of anxiety. My house
was ready enough for me to move back in on June 6. I didn’t actually move back
in until June 24 and that was only because I had a friend staying with me from
out of town for 4 days. We camped in my living room, because things were still
not set up. I just couldn’t bring myself to move back in. I couldn’t explain it
and I knew it wasn’t rational, but it was where I was at.
Slowly and bit by bit, I tried to put my house back in
order. And bit by bit, it again felt like home. It was a slow process, but it
happened. As I put pictures on the walls, and bought a new bedspread and put my
dishes in my cabinets, my heart started to settle. There are 3 rooms that need
to be painted. They still have drywall patches showing through white with the
mark of being unfinished. There’s window trim that needs to be patched and the
paint fixed. But I feel at home. I feel at peace. Even with a sewer that needs
to be replaced.
But I feel the similar anxiety creeping up. I think about
how huge of a difference it will make and change the feel of my home if my tree
is removed. How I’ll feel exposed and out in the open with nothing to block me
from the street. I know it’s irrational, but still I feel it.
I think about the HUGE trench that will have to be dug up
through the entirety of the middle of my yard. That I’ll have to see this giant
scar down my yard through the winter months. Everything will feel different. Again,
I get that it shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is.
I also recognize how some of what I’m feeling isn’t just
about a tree. But how I cling to things that I am familiar with. How I long to
be in control. But also how I’ve never mourned the losses that I’ve faced in my
life. How there is a deep well of pain that lies right beneath the surface.
That the smallest connection in my everyday life can trigger an emotional
response that runs deep. Hmm.
So today is a cloudy, rainy and cold day. It’s a good day to
sit in pajamas and think and feel a bit sad. And I think that’s okay.
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