Wednesday, March 26, 2014

A Day of Being Okay

Today was a day of freedom. Today was a day of joy. Today was a day of peace and encouragement. Today was a day of being able to look at my life and be fine with where I am at.

Days like today are the days that I hang in there for. Days like today give me hope for what I'm fighting for. Days like today remind me that God loves me and he fights for me because he loves me. Days like today remind me why I seek my exceeding joy, my God.

I made a toddler's grumpy face turn to laughter. I felt his little fingers wrapped around my hand. We had detailed conversations that didn't completely consist of actual words. I had two hours of just being in the moment with this little man. And it was lovely.

Life didn't seem too heavy. Progress was made at work. Details lined up so smoothly, I could feel the grace flowing. Interactions felt easy. I wasn't defensive, well not that much really. There was peace about where I am and what I am doing.

I had a meeting with my counselor. I spoke truth about the ups and downs of the last 2 weeks. She was encouraged. She saw the peace on me. She saw the freedom in the way I talked. I told her how there's so much weight taken off as I stop trying to fix myself. We both laughed as I told her if I could have fixed myself, I would have done it by now. I'm okay with just knowing that God has gotten me to this place and he will finish his work. It doesn't matter what I do or how I mess up. As long as I do my best to seek him when I can, he'll take care of the rest.

I told her about telling my friend lately that I don't really love God. That I don't really have that emotion of wanting to be near him. There's a whole lot of hurt and pain that I know I need to wade through. Most of the time I don't want God to comfort me, I keep him at a distance. It sounded silly saying that. But it feels true. It feels even more silly to say that I'm trusting God with each and every detail of my life, but I don't really want him near. He really is my everything. I'm banking everything on the promises that he's given. But the emotion isn't there. And I'm okay with that. There's freedom in knowing the truth and knowing my emotions don't always line up with that.

Today I felt like I had the ability to go more in depth with speaking what I felt than ever before. I explained my fears and nervousness. I expressed the sadness I had in not allowing myself to get prayer for months.

We made a plan and set a goal. I was anxious, but knew it was right. I wanted to be on the offensive. On these good days, I wanted to seek Jesus with all that I have. I gave God permission to do whatever he wanted.

I left feeling good about where I was at. As I drove home, I was even more convinced that good things are happening now. God has done so much. I have come so far.

I came home to a dog that always greets me like I've been gone way too long. I came home to a kitten that wasn't in my life a month ago.

The days are numbered of my house being the way it is now. Soon I will have a new kitchen, new flooring, new siding, basically new everything. New beginnings feel nice.

Today was a day of being okay. And days like today make me glad that I've made it this far.

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